


The Goat

by unoriginal_liz



Series: lwd himym au of doom [9]
Category: Life with Derek
Genre: AU, F/M, Inspired by How I Met Your Mother
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-20
Updated: 2012-07-20
Packaged: 2018-07-23 22:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7482225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unoriginal_liz/pseuds/unoriginal_liz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Casual sex is – awkward.  It’s not something I make a habit of.  I believe that…what happened last night was symptomatic of deep-rooted career and personal issues that can’t be solved by meaningless physicality.  And, even if that wasn’t the case, I don’t believe that casual sex is any substitute for a real relationship.  Sure, it might feel good while you’re…doing it…but afterwards, you just feel – empty, and alone, because ultimately, casual sex is intellectually and emotionally unfulfilling.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Goat

**_“Kids, you probably don’t want to hear this, but…snuggling is complicated.”_ **

**_“Dad, seriously, if this long-ass story has taught us anything, it has taught us that.”_ **

**_“Over, and over, and over again.”_ **

**_“Great! Well then, it shouldn’t come as any surprise to you that your Uncle Derek and Aunt Casey had a lot to deal with the next morning. But especially your Aunt Casey…”_ **

 

*****

 

Casey glanced over at the unmoving, sheet-covered form that lay mere inches away, then looked almost instantly in the opposite direction, staring wide-eyed at her wall. But as if she couldn’t help it, her gaze was drawn back to the body sharing her bed. She closed her eyes, took several deep, calming breaths, then reached out and poked Derek in the back.

“Nngh!” he protested.

“Oh good,” she said with panicky cheer. “You’re awake.”

He rolled over, and Casey immediately scooted even further away, almost falling over the side of the bed. He watched her through sleep-narrowed eyes but didn’t comment on the fact that she was simultaneously flailing for balance, while maintaining a death grip on the sheet covering her body.

“Yeah, I’m awake,” he said instead. “Do you always give free spinal taps in the morning? Because speaking as a guy, we generally prefer coffee, or breakfast pancakes. Just a tip.”

“I’m sorry,” Casey said. “I just – I thought we should get this over with as quickly as possible.”

“Wow,” Derek blinked. “Way to make some morning snuggling seem completely unappealing. I’m starting to see why they’re not exactly lining up at the door for you, McDonald.”

**“Okay, Dad, I get that you’re trying to shield us…in some small, pathetic way…from the weirdness of you guys being young and in love and – doing stuff. But there is no way you can tell us that Uncle Derek said ‘snuggling’ and make it sound plausible.”**

**“…Okay, ‘snuggle’ might not have been the word he used. He might have said, ‘Way to make some morning s’” –**

**“Dad! Ew!”**

**“ – stuff. I was going to say ‘morning…stuff.’ Anyway” –**

“What? Ew! No! Why would you ever think that that was the reason I woke you up?”

Derek’s raised eyebrow made her pull the sheet even higher up on her body. “…besides the occurrences of last night,” she said. “Which were reckless and lacking in good judgment and clearly – _clearly_ – out of character. For one of us, at least.” She stared down at the bed. “And…also something that we should probably talk about.”

She waited for a few moments before hinting, “Since you obviously have more experience with this – situation, I give you the floor.”

She nodded at Derek, who stared blankly back. “Well? Aren’t you going to start?”

“What?” he said. “You’re the one with all the experience of ‘talking’,” he made a yapping gesture with his right hand, “so maybe _you_ should start.”

“I don’t exactly have a script for casual sexual encounters,” Casey said. “You, on the other hand, have a pivotal role in the franchise. I’m just going to have to…follow your lead. So?”

“I don’t know,” he said, running a hand through his hair. He sounded frustrated. “Usually, there’s not a whole lot of talking involved.”

Casey blinked at him. “So…what are you saying? You usually – run out on all those women the morning after?”

He shrugged.

Casey made a disgusted face. “In that case – why are you even still here? Shouldn’t you have made your escape already?”

He studied her for a moment. “The bed’s…comfortable,” he offered. “It lulled me into a false sense of security.”

Casey looked away. “Fine. We’ll do it your way,” she informed her bedroom wall. “I should be looking in this direction for the next five to ten minutes. It’s part of my morning routine. If someone were to – get dressed and leave, for example, I…probably wouldn’t even notice.” 

As it became clear from the lack of movement and noise that Derek wasn’t taking advantage of the exit opportunity, Casey risked a glance over. “What? Is something wrong?”

“Wow. This is…really awkward,” he said.

Casey sagged in relief. “It is, isn’t it? Is it always this awkward?”

He shook his head. “No. I think it’s just you.”

She glared, but he didn’t appear to notice, instead saying, “You know – this is so awkward, I think there’s only one way to fix it.”

“And what would th” – Casey began, only to be cut off by Derek’s mouth on hers.

Some time later, Casey flopped back onto the mattress. “I don’t see how that’s supposed to solve anything,” she said, in a tone of voice that might have been matter-of-fact and realistic, if it hadn’t been for the panting.

“Do you still feel awkward?” Derek asked her.

Her eyes met his, and grudgingly, she admitted, “…not as much, no.”

“Good,” he said, and rolled over onto his side, pulling the bedclothes over his head.

Casey sat up. “Derek?” she said.

“Nnn,” he mumbled.

“Derek?” she shook his shoulder. “Derek – wake up. We still have to talk about last night.”

“Nnn,” he repeated, but this time it sounded more forceful.

Casey bit her lip. “Okay – maybe it doesn’t have to be a full-blown discussion, per se. Maybe…we could just agree that – last night was…one of those strange, unpredictable, once-in-a-lifetime events. Like a volcanic eruption, or a great flood. We just have to – ignore the widespread destruction and…be grateful that we survived. And also, obviously, never mention it to anyone else. Ever.”

Casey waited. “I’m going to take your lack of protest as agreement,” she told Derek. She glanced at the alarm clock on her bedside locker. “Well – I should probably get ready for work.”

She regarded the mound of bedclothes hopefully, but they didn’t stir.

She sang very loudly in the shower, and opened and closed doors with vigour. As she ate breakfast, she switched on the television and turned the volume up to an uncomfortably high level. But when she stood in her bedroom door, showered, dressed, and already late for work, Derek hadn’t so much as moved.

She approached the bed and coughed loudly. Nothing. She stood for a few minutes, indecisive, before crouching down next to him and saying, “Derek? I have to go to work now. Um…about what we agreed – you’re…still fine with it, right?”

Derek twitched.

“Good,” she said. “So…when I get back this evening – you’ll be gone, right?” She touched his shoulder. “Right?” she repeated in a slightly louder voice.

“Mm,” Derek said, before rolling in the opposite direction.

Casey stared at him, frowning slightly, before saying, “…okay. Good!”

*****

**_Kids, sometimes things happen the way they happen for a reason. Like, sometimes the tiniest of circumstances push you towards an inevitable conclusion. You might not realize it at the time – you mightn’t figure it out until years later. And right then, it mightn’t have seemed like it to your Aunt Casey, but that’s exactly what was happening when she showed up late for work that day…_ **

“I’m so sorry,” Casey said as she followed the producer “– my alarm clock didn’t go off this morning and then the heel of my shoe just snapped” – she offered him her broken shoe as proof, “ – and no cabs would stop for me, and” –

“It’s okay,” he told her.

“Really? Thank you! I promise you that this was a once off and it will never, ever happen again” –

He eyed her blankly. “I really don’t care. As a matter of fact, I just got in before you, and Noel isn’t here yet.”

“Oh,” Casey said.

He snapped his fingers. “Oh yeah – and about that…you can do the bird feature, right?”

“Bird feature?”

“Noel was supposed to do an interview with some bird expert – I don’t know, I really wasn’t listening…but you can do it, right?”

A smile spread slowly across Casey’s face. “Yes,” she said. “Of course. I mean, it’s a little short notice, and not ideal, but – that’s what this game is all about, right? Teamwork. Stepping up. And – I’m honored that you think I’m ready for that responsibility. I won’t let you down.”

“Good,” her producer said. “Great. Because Frank the cameraman, and Judy at the craft table already bailed.”

Casey’s smile faded. 

**And that’s the story of how your Aunt Casey got dive-bombed by pigeons on morning television.**

“I really don’t know why you’re so upset,” Noel said, struggling manfully to keep his smile in check.

“You don’t?” Casey asked through gritted teeth, as she attempted to take off her jacket without actually touching it.

“Okay, I admit the pigeon poop is kind of a downer, but on the bright side – you’re always looking to increase our visibility…well, several news shows want to run a feature on this – plus we’re a shoo-in for funniest tv bloopers this year.”

“Yeah, that’s…great,” Casey said, as she held her jacket aloft with only the tips of her index finger and thumb, and dropped it into the garbage. “Just – great.”

Noel tilted his head to the side. “Oh come on – you have to admit, it was pretty funny.” 

“Believe me, I can still feel the punchline,” Casey said.

Noel sighed. “You’re going to find this job really difficult if you keep taking it so seriously. Maybe you haven’t noticed this, but we’re kind of where breakfast tv goes to die.”

“Thanks,” Casey said in a dead voice, as she walked away. “That’s – exactly what I needed to hear.”

“Casey?” Noel called, but she just kept walking.

**“After that, your Aunt Casey met your Aunt Emily, and – things might have ended there…if fate didn’t have other plans.”**

“Hey, Em – would you mind if we didn’t have lunch today?”

“Hard day?” Emily asked. She frowned. “What’s that white stuff in your hair?”

“It’s a long story,” Casey said. “A long and…disgusting story. Tune in to the six o’ clock news for further embarrassing details.”

“Sounds bad,” Emily said, “And…yes.”

Casey blinked. “Yes, what?”

“Yes I _would_ mind if you bailed,” Casey opened her mouth to object, but Emily forestalled her by holding up her hand, “ _because_ I had a feeling you could use some serious pampering, and – I booked us some treatments at Beautiful Moments spa. They’re expecting us in a half an hour.” She beamed. “How good a friend am I?”

For a few seconds it looked like Casey might start crying, but finally she blinked a few times, and said, voice thick, “You’re the best, Em.”

**“Kids, it might seem that fate was throwing your Aunt Casey a much-needed bone. But in fact, fate was just gearing up for the next blow.”**

“I needed that so much, Em,” Casey said as she sank into their regular booth at the bar. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Emily said, waving to someone behind Casey. Casey stiffened, but relaxed slightly when Sheldon appeared, dropping into the seat next to Emily. He took a deep, appreciative sniff of Emily’s hair, and said, “Coconut oil and wheat protein deep conditioning hair treatment?”

Emily nodded.

“Who was working on you?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know – I think her name was…Ilona?”

Sheldon’s face lit up. “Ilona? Really? She didn’t happen to mention how her kids were doing, did she?”

Emily stared at him.

“What?” he said. “When you left me, her scalp massages were one of the things that helped me pull through.”

“She does give an amazing scalp massage,” Emily conceded. “Right, Casey? …Casey?”

Casey turned back to face Emily and Sheldon. “Right,” she said vaguely. “Um…where’s Derek?”

Sheldon shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him all day.”

“Oh,” Casey said, tapping her fingernails on the table. 

Emily frowned and reached over, catching Casey’s hand in hers and examining it. “Your manicure’s chipped already.”

Casey looked down. “Yeah – it is.” She pulled her hand out of Emily’s grasp.

“Who did it?” Sheldon asked. “Was it Maria – because she’s been having some issues lately.”

“Case – are you okay?” Emily asked.

Casey shook her head. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. I think I’m going to go home though.”

“So early? Sam and Skye should be here soon – we were going to hang out for a while.”

“I’m just…really tired, Em,” she said. “But thanks for today. It was great.”

Emily gave in. “Okay. Talk to you later?”

“Definitely,” Casey promised.

**“And so, your Aunt Casey went home. Where she found fate waiting for her.”**

**“Oh God – Dad, fate isn’t like, another code word, is it?”**

Casey closed her apartment door and hung up her coat. She stared up at the ceiling and released a long, pent up breath. As she let her head fall forward, she caught sight of her bedroom door – still closed. 

She stared at it for a moment before pressing her lips together and straightening her shoulders. She strode over and with the barest of pauses, flung the door open.

She was greeted by the sight of an empty rumpled bed.

“…oh,” she said.

Slowly she walked back to the couch and sat down. She fumbled for her remote and turned the television on, just in time to hear –

“ – and now, in lighter news, here’s a clip from _Rise and Shine Toronto_ , in which the host finds that a bird in the bush is worth ten in the studio” –

Hastily Casey shut off the television, and silence descended. She dropped the television remote onto the couch, then stopped, before bringing her right hand closer to her face. She studied her manicured fingernails intently, running the index finger from her left hand over the chipped polish on her fourth fingernail.

The expression on her face became firm, and she pushed herself to her feet, grabbing her coat and keys.

**“Kids” –**

**“Blah blah, insert repetitive sentence about fate here – I think we get it, Dad.”**

When Derek opened the door, Casey was ready. She didn’t even greet him, just launched straight into a long and heartfelt speech.

“Okay – so this is what I think,” she said. “Clearly, we need to talk about what happened last night. Shut up,” she held up a hand to prevent him from speaking, and continued, “Casual sex is – awkward. It’s not something I make a habit of. I believe that…what happened last night was symptomatic of deep-rooted career and personal issues that can’t be solved by meaningless physicality. And, even if that wasn’t the case, I don’t believe that casual sex is any substitute for a real relationship. Sure, it might feel good while you’re…doing it…but afterwards, you just feel – empty, and alone, because ultimately, casual sex is intellectually and emotionally unfulfilling.”

She stopped.

Derek looked at her. “And your point is…?”

She stared back at him, chest rising and falling. “I’m okay with that if you are,” she said, before launching herself at him.

*****

**”And so your Aunt Casey and your Uncle Derek began seeing each other. Well…maybe ‘seeing each other’ is the wrong term. Really what it meant was that your Aunt Casey had a lot of bad days at work–“**

“…you want me to interview Berkley?” Casey repeated.

The producer nodded. “Is there a problem?”

“He’s a _dog_.”

“A dog who’s led a rich and varied life,” Noel pointed out. “Wasn’t he the stunt dog in one of those _Lassie_ movies?”

“If you find him so interesting, why don’t _you_ interview him?”

“I would…but I have allergies,” Noel said. 

**“You’d think that your Aunt Casey would get used to these bad days. But it’s kind of hard to get used to requests like” –**

“That was great, but…could you do it in the costume?”

“…you want me to present the breakfast news while wearing a German beer girl costume?”

The producer nodded. “Is there a problem?”

“It has no connection to what I’m presenting! I’m not talking about anything German or beer-related!”

“Well, you know what they say,” Noel chimed in. “When it’s five am here…it’s drinking festival time somewhere in the world.”

**”Or –“**

“Yeah…you remember that ‘fulfill your dream’ spot with that girl who always wanted to be a circus performer?”

“Of course – we’re checking in with her today…aren’t we?”

The producer made a face. “Something came up, and she’s not going to be able to make it. But – you’re a quick study, right?”

“What?!”

“Hey – we’re not expecting circus quality stunts or anything. Once you make an attempt to juggle the knives we’ll be happy.”

“You want me to _juggle knives?!_ ”

“They don’t have to be sharp,” Noel said. “How do you feel about butterknives?”

“A lot more confident when they’re not flying towards my _face_.”

“Hey – I’ve got a compromise for you,” the producer said. “Why don’t you just…read the headlines while wearing the circus girl outfit and we’ll call it a day?”

**”Kids, there are too many terrible Aunt Casey job stories to list. But they all ended the same way – with your Aunt Casey finishing her work, walking off the set and arriving at your Uncle Derek’s door.”**

“Hey,” Derek said, leaning against the doorjamb. “How was your day?”

“It sucked,” Casey said. “Do you want to hear about it?”

“No.”

“Good,” she said, as she took a step into his space, “because I don’t want to talk about it.”

**”It was kind of a weird situation” –**

**“Yeah, Dad, you really, _really_ don’t have to tell us that.”**

**“- because they weren’t exactly ‘together’. Plus, no-one else knew about them – they were totally normal when they were with everyone else.”**

“So then this guy in the back raises his hand and says…” Sam trailed off. “Okay – no offence, but would whoever is playing footsie with me under the table please stop?”

On opposite sides of the booth, Derek and Casey hurriedly straightened, while Sheldon mused, “That’s kind of a weird ending to the story. Still, if your student was feeling uncomfortable, he was within his rights to alert you. What did you do?”

Sam shook his head. “No, the guy in my class didn’t say that – I was asking” –

“I need to use the restroom!” Casey said, quickly getting to her feet.

“Me too,” Derek said, almost immediately afterwards.

“O…kay,” Sam said to Emily and Sheldon as Derek followed Casey over to the corner of the bar where the restrooms were. “Obviously my Architecture 101 anecdotes need a little punching up.”

“What are you doing?” Casey asked in a low, urgent whisper.

Derek shrugged.

“You can’t just follow me to the restroom! I thought we agreed we were going to act normally in public!”

“Hey – _my_ feet weren’t the only ones getting busy back there.”

“Yeah, well…we have to hold back, or they’re going to figure it out.”

Derek tipped his head to the side, considering her. “And _what_ are they going to figure out?”

Casey stared back at him. “That we’re engaging in a short-term, illicit sexual affair. Look over there – they’re already starting to suspect us!”

Derek threw a glance over his shoulder, back to the table where Sam, Emily and Sheldon were talking animatedly, seemingly completely oblivious to his and Casey’s absence. “Okay, you need to calm down, because first of all no-one suspects us – and second no-one is _going_ to suspect us.”

She bit her lip. “How can you be so sure?”

“Because if we play it cool, it doesn’t matter how weird things get – everyone else will still think it’s normal.”

Casey frowned. “You really think so?”

He took a step closer to her and spoke into her ear. “Please. We could walk back to the table, and you could sit on my _lap_ – and nobody over there would even suspect that we’ve been playing the two-person version of Twister.” 

Casey shut her eyes for a moment as she considered. “You’ve obviously conducted more illicit sexual liaisons than I have,” she decided. “Therefore, I’m going to defer to your judgment in this matter.”

“Great. My judgment says we could probably sneak ten minutes in the restroom before anyone starts asking questions,” Derek said.

“I don’t know…” Casey said, glancing over at their table, where – still seated – Emily, Sheldon and Sam appeared to be performing a series of strange dance moves.

“It’s not even a judgment, so much as an _instinct_ ,” Derek told her.

Casey looked back at him. “Probably finely honed from years of practice in these kinds of situations,” she said, slowly nodding. She backed away from him, hand groping for the door-handle of the restroom. “Okay…five minutes probably wouldn’t hurt…”

Fifteen minutes later, when Derek emerged from the ladies restroom, he bumped into Sam. “Hey dude,” he said, and gestured towards the jukebox, “help me pick a song?”

“Sure,” Derek said.

Sam paused. “Hey…did you just come out of the women’s restroom?”

“No,” Derek said firmly.

“Oh.” Sam shook his head. “So…what are you in the mood for? Hey Case,” he called vaguely, as she scuttled past.

**“Okay, so maybe in retrospect, there were a couple of clues…”**

“I feel so bad,” Skye said, eyeing Derek and Casey with concern. “I’m totally throwing your numbers out.”

“It’s okay,” Sam reassured her. “Next time, we’ll find a booth that seats six.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “But I’m still the one making everything awkward. I should be the one to sit on someone’s lap. You don’t mind, right Sam?”

“There’s a little room next to me and Sheldon,” Emily offered. “If we squeeze in tight, maybe someone else could fit in.”

“Hey, it was Derek’s stupid idea, and he drew the short straw,” Casey said, ignoring Emily. “Why should you suffer because of him?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call sitting on my boyfriend’s lap ‘suffering’,” Skye said. “It’s probably way more awkward for you guys…right?”

“Oh totally,” Derek said smoothly, as he glanced around Casey’s shoulder. He closed his eyes as Casey adjusted herself on his lap. “My – uh – libido is never going to recover after this.”

“And for me, that just makes all the awkwardness worth it,” Casey finished, with a bright smile and another small movement that caused Derek’s fingers to dig into her hips.

Skye still seemed doubtful, but Emily explained with a roll of her eyes, “Don’t worry about it – they’re like this all the time. Believe me, you don’t want to interrupt a staring contest between these two.”

“I’d have offered to carry Emily,” Sheldon said suddenly, as he twirled his glass between his palms. “But I can’t. Old competitive dance injury,” he explained.

**Author's Note:**

> ...and then this series trailed off abruptly into nothingness. Sam was going to find out about Derek and Casey at his birthday party, and punch Derek, breaking his nose. Leading to a break up with Skye (and also a Casey freakout, leading to her breaking up with Derek without even realising that he saw what they had as a relationship). 
> 
> Derek was going to spiral and meet with Sally, whose fiance had gotten cold feet and left her. She and Derek were going to sort of bury their individual hurt feelings by pretending they still cared about each other, and they could just pick up like they weren't in love with other people. So Sally's wedding was going to go ahead as planned, but with Derek as the groom - except Sam was going to realise Derek's feelings for Casey were genuine, and stop the wedding from going ahead. 
> 
> And Casey was going to sublimate her feelings by dating Noel Covington - though she was eventually going to break up with him at Derek's wedding. After that, Derek was finally going to lay his feelings on the line, though Casey was going to think it was still too messy to take the risk (also stuff where she was trying to concentrate on her relationship with Lizzie). There was going to be a kind of game night/truth or dare thing during which things came to a head and Casey was going to kiss Derek in front of everyone, finally making the leap and deciding to be with him. 
> 
> Annnnd while all this was happening, Sam was going to go to Skye's apartment to try and patch things up with her, and find out that Skye's roommate was Lizzie, who hadn't wanted to tell Casey she was studying in Toronto because of their ongoing sister issues. Sam was going to try and get Lizzie to stop avoiding Casey, and in the process fall for her - though she was going to think it was a terrible idea because he had dated her sister. I think it was going to end with Sam escorting Lizzie home after the weird truth or dare game session and asking her out - and she was going to be reluctant, kind of in the same position as Sam at the start of the series, not sure of what she truly wants. And he was going to say that he could wait because she was worth waiting for. But this time, Sam is sure - he knows what he wants.
> 
> And that kids, is how...
> 
> (No last minute blue French horn twists of fate here)


End file.
